The following were actual airline announcements:

On a Continental Flight, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight: “Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing, and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.”

On landing, the flight attendant said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.”

As part of the safety announcement on a Southwest flight: “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane.”

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Reagan National Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

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