I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up real fast.

I live in my own little world, but it's OK…they know me here.

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

I love being married. It's great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom's wise words: “Don't pick that up; you don't know where it's been!"

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I had any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school but they can in prison?

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

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