From the mind of comedian Steven Wright:
I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists—they don’t expect it back.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
How can you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Why do psychics have to ask for your name?
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The problem with the gene pool is there is no lifeguard.