How Forgiveness Works

What’s the responsibility of the person seeking forgiveness? Verse 5: "Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the LORD’—and you forgave the guilt of my sin."

When was the last time you tried to cover up your transgressions? We all know cover-ups aren’t limited to Washington, D.C. Covering up is the unfortunate instinct of fallen human nature. Denying our faults and mess-ups seems to be the way of least pain, but it only adds pain to pain.

We are supposed to confess our wrongdoings. But to whom? The simple answer is: the person or persons whom we’ve wronged. Now in every instance, that is God. In Psalm 51, David’s heart-rending confession of his adultery with Bathsheba and arranging the death of her husband says: "against you, you only, have I sinned." Of course, he had sinned against people—but the epicenter of the earthquake of our sins is always our detachment from God Himself. And so we confess to God.

We’re also supposed to confess our wrongdoings to the people we’ve wronged in many, but not all, circumstances. You have to judge the outcome. To say to your sister-in-law: "You know, I used to resent you all the time because I thought you were arrogant, but I’ve really learned how to tolerate you and to forgive your many shortcomings" may not be the most constructive thing to do. To confess to someone in your office that you’ve been attracted to him or her even though he or she is married is a confession best made between you and God.

But there are many times when a flat-out, humble-pie, heart-felt apology is the right thing to do. And if you know it’s right—don’t hold back.

B. The responsibility of the forgiver

Now, let’s turn the tables. What about when you are the forgiver?

1. Analyze the problem: when to forbear and when to forgive (Col. 3:13).

The first thing to do when you think you should forgive someone who has wronged you is to make sure that it really rises to the level of forgiveness. Colossians 3:13 says: "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."

There is forgiveness, and there is forbearance. You can think of forbearance as a kind of low-level forgiveness, or more simply as exercising patience and tolerance in the face of the idiosyncrasies of the people in your life.

For example, if your spouse is chronically late in getting ready to leave the house for an engagement, that doesn’t really rise to the level of mortal sin. It may be irritating, but it just doesn’t say in the Ten Commandments, "Thou shalt not wait until the last minute to put thy makeup on." And it doesn’t say in the Ten Commandments that table manners are a matter of spiritual life and death.