Are you getting the picture? Blended families start with B and that rhymes with T and that stands for TROUBLE!
Not that the trouble is insurmountable. Not that nuclear families, intact families -- I'm struggling for the best term -- don't have problems too. But because of the complexities of the relationships and because of the emotional baggage the participants bring to the mix, blended families face unique challenges.
So how can blended families not only survive but also thrive today?
Here are three suggestions, drawn from a number of different sources: First, Acceptance. Accept the uniqueness of the blended family. Accept the fact that the family will go through stages on its way to wholeness. The blended family usually has a honeymoon period. One writer calls it a fantasy stage when everyone is on his or her best behavior. This will quickly dissolve into a stage of confusion and conflict as the issues begin to come to the surface, issues like:
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- ex spouses
- living arrangements
- custody issues
- sibling rivalry
- discipline
- and the list goes on and on.
When the stage of confusion comes, the first impulse is to bail out. Remember that this is a stage through which you move from the fantasy of the honeymoon stage to the realities of the consolidation stage and eventually to the stage of genuine community or family. It won't be easy -- accept that.
And then, secondly, Benevolence. The essential ingredient in making a blended family work is an attitude of benevolence which is defined as:
- good will
- kindness
- unselfishness
- sympathy
- tolerance
- generosity
- amiability.
In this situation, as in every situation, the key is not the facts of the situation but our attitude toward those facts.
Thirdly, Communication,
- communication with each member of the family as you redefine roles and carve out new spaces and develop new relationships
- communication between spouses and ex-spouses to facilitate arranging schedules, discussing resources, and making parental decisions and
- communication between the spouses as they develop that new relationship between them which must be strong if the blended family is to work.
Somewhere between the myth of fantasy, "there's nothing to it," and the myth of fatalism, "it can't be done," is the terrain upon which you can stand in building your family. The ABC's I just cited acceptance, benevolence, and communication will help you find that terrain upon which a growing, nourishing, dynamic blended family can be built.
What can the church do?
The stance of the church in this area is the same as it is in every area. We must continue, at one and the same time, to exalt the family as God meant it to be and to embrace the family as it actually is in this fallen, less than ideal world.
"'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh?' So they are no longer two, but one" Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate" (
Matt. 19:5-6).
"Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you" (
Ex. 20:12).
"These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down" (
Deut. 6:6-7).
"Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure" (
Heb. 13:4).
"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right .... Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord" (
Eph. 6:1, 4).
Those are God's ideals. That is God's desire for the family, marriages that are permanent, children who respect their parents, parents who teach children how to live and exemplify those values in their own lives, husbands and wives who are faithful to each other, obedient children and loving fathers; that is the family as God meant it to be. The church must continue to affirm that ideal.
But in a fallen world, where no family ever achieves God's ideal, where families are not always permanent or nourishing or respectful or loving, we need to embrace people where they are and assure them they are welcome in the community of faith.
Will you help me make our congregation that kind of church?
