I would be the first to acknowledge that sometimes people seem to walk through the maze of various sexual relationships seemingly unhurt, settling down in marriage, having children and appearing to live happily ever after. But as a pastor, I more often see the casualties of a person who invested themselves in that other person, taking the relationship more seriously, believing that it had a future, and ends up in deep depression, often spiraling into other addictive behaviors. Sex is much more serious a matter than some of us would be willing to admit. It is symbolic of commitment, even when that commitment is not really there.

The fifth reason to avoid premarital or extramarital intercourse is that it is not a reliable test of sexual compatibility. Many a man has told me, “I would never marry a woman without trying her out first.” He might just be surprised to find that there’s a major difference between sex outside and inside marriage. Secrecy surrounding premarital sex often heightens one’s excitement. Needless to say, both will be on their very best behavior, knowing that their failure to perform could lead to the end of their relationship. How different is sex in marriage where both have the security of ultimate commitment. Sex is not geared to one’s having to meet a particular standard. It is meant to share in the most intimate way possible a way which will procreate and also bring personal fulfillment. A normal healthy man and a normal healthy woman, from both a psychological and physiological standpoint, should be able to find sexual compatibility. Premarital experimentation will not necessary assure it. In fact, it is more likely to injure or at least detract from ultimate sexual compatibility.

A sixth reason to avoid premarital or extramarital intercourse is that it often creates an obsessive interest in sex. I’ve talked with couples who have slipped into this relationship before marriage to find that sex is about all they think about. Whereas they used to have fun dating and being with other people, their life is now geared toward sex. This is no way to live. A happily married couple spends a very small fraction of their time having sex compared to all the other activities that fill their lives. Obsessive interest in sex is abnormal.

And a seventh reason to avoid premarital or extramarital sex is that it can have a marring and spoiling effect on later marriage. What I mean by this is that it can breed a later misunderstanding between two people who were weak before marriage, giving in to their impulses. There is always uncertainty. You know that your partner could once again be weak and move into an extramarital affair.

There is always the potential of resentment going into marriage. I have talked with individuals who idealize waiting until marriage, but one pressured the other into premarital sex. Granted, they had agreed to it, but they carry with them a resentment which can subtly color their future relationship. This is why, in my premarital counseling, I urge couples to honestly face up to the relationship they have, laying aside any rationalizations which they manufacture. They can honestly discuss their disobedience to God and claim His forgiveness. It is possible for them to have a period of celibacy before their marriage. They then can go into their marriage with a much greater sense of integrity and honesty than would otherwise be present.