Adolescents are guided by something called egocentric abstraction. They see life through the limited lenses of self-interest and protection. So they say things and do things that are actually deeper cries for help that they don’t even recognize themselves. In this article we will explore six of the most powerful longings of today’s adolescents. But in our interactions with young people we rarely if ever hear these longing expressed so clearly. That’s because kids are seldom aware of what their own longings are or how to express them.
Both kids and adults can fall into communication styles that keep them from hearing each other. What they say is often different from what we hear, and both of these are usually different from what they mean.
No. 1:“You Don’t Know Me” vs. “I Long to Belong”
Kids say this when they feel an adult is trying to put them in a box. What we too often hear in their response is that they want to push us away. This makes us feel, “I don’t matter to her.” The problem with this reaction is that it produces exactly the opposite of what your child actually needs.
When a young person says, “You don’t even know me,” remember, it is not about you. They are using you as a punching bag for their own inner struggle to connect with others. They have an intense longing to belong, and this is always a difficult longing because relationships feel so tenuous and unpredictable.
Here are four ways to respond when you sense that young people have a need to belong: Acknowledge that you care about them; Let them know that it sounds to you like they may have some deep feelings going on that you may have triggered; Let them know you want to know more about why they feel the way they do; and let them know you’d love to sit and talk with them when they are ready.
No. 2: “You Never Listen to Me” vs. “I Long to Be Taken Seriously”
When adolescents say you never listen, they accompany their words by actions: they roll their eyes, fold their arms and adopt a look of boredom or exasperation with our common “lecture mode.” So parents complain that their kids don’t want to listen to them, and kids say exactly the same thing about parents!
Having an authentic, two-way, respectful and honoring dialogue is the greatest gift any two people can give each other. Unfortunately, too many times adults get hoodwinked into believing it is their job to get information “through” to their kid.