However, the male genderlect still dominates most public speaking in America, and women would do well to learn to communicate directly. Please note, I am not arguing that women should always communicate bluntly; only that they will need to do so some times with some audiences. They need this arrow in their quivers. Conversely, men need to hear themselves through women's ears and realize that their directness may seem authoritarian or rude. Men should learn to organize sermons inductively, especially when preaching to mixed audiences. Men need to remember that preaching is more than a report of what was discovered in the study; it is also a means of establishing and nurturing relationships.

Listening and Feedback

Since a woman values connection, she feels that the kindest thing to do in conversation is agreement or "matching." For instance,

Man: "I didn't sleep well last night."

Woman: "Oh! Me neither. That happens to me all the time."

The man, who associates communication with competition, may hear this as "one-upsmanship." He may escalate his complaint: "My back ached all night." And the woman, attempting to create rapport may say: "I know what you mean. Mine hurts too." Thus the conversation may cycle downward with the man taking offense where none is meant and the woman not understanding why an argument is forming.

Since the male genderlect uses communication as a tool, listening is thought of as preparation for speaking. Men listen in order to know how to advise. Listening helps men "fix" problems. Men feel they are being kind by offering advice. They are helping their friends deal with problems. But women, speaking a different genderlect, simply want the listener to respond with empathy. She may hear his advice as cold and clinical.

Here's one way you can use this information about listening: Men, when you discuss your sermon with your wife, don't take offense if she matches your mood. She's being kind, offering you what (she thinks) you really need -- connection. Women, when you discuss your sermon with your husband, don't take offense if he offers advice. He too is trying to be kind.

Here's another application: For men who use dialogue in your sermons, remember that all comments do not demand a further comment from yourself.

Use of Evidence

Men often use expert testimony when they argue. Women often use anecdotes. The first method of argumentation is deductive, and the second is inductive, starting from particulars and moving toward a broader point. Induction is the better way to argue today since pluralism and relativism have undermined our allegiance to authority. Men, argue like a woman! If you want to prove that "it is more blessed to give than to receive," back up the Scriptural statement with lots of examples, stories and testimonies.

Storytelling

Men tend to tell stories that are funny, dramatic and full of remarkable action ("I remember the time I fell off the cliff..."). Women tend to tell stories that deal with the everyday and typical. Men emphasize chronology and are more likely to conclude with a moral or point. Women, realize that your stories may seem meandering or uninteresting to a man. When you tell a story, give it some action and let it work toward a clear climax. Men, as you scout for illustrations, don't overlook your everyday worlds such as shopping, childcare and interpersonal relations.

Genderlects are a fact of life. We need to deal with them like my friend did as he learned to communicate with Zebedee. Perhaps the best way to overcome communication breakdown caused by genderlects is to discuss your message with your spouse before and after you preach it. Let's learn to hear our words the way others receive them.