Preaching: What are some of the things the church does that connect us with women but in turn disconnect us from men?

Murrow: I think it starts with the way we portray Jesus. Two or three hundred years ago He was — you know Jonathan Edwards’ “Sinners in the hands of an angry God” — He was an almost scary character.

Today He’s a much more soft, caring, comforting fellow who is focused more on helping you in your personal life than on establishing some great kingdom of God here on earth. The emphasis is much more on therapeutic personal relationship with Jesus rather that a great, transcendent cause, which is what would interest men.

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When you ask Christians what the ideal values of a follower of Jesus are you get words like tenderness, nurturing, relationships, family. You don’t tend to hear words like challenge, adventure, and risk. Yet if you examine the Scripture that’s what Jesus is all about. He was about both those things. Not only those feminine characteristics but also the masculine ones — but we tend to lop off the masculine ones because they create discomfort in the church.

There are lots of practical things we do on Sunday morning that tell men they are unwanted or that make them uncomfortable. For example, holding hands with your neighbor. Some churches are hug-rich environments — men don’t like to hug strangers but in some churches you’re encouraged to do that.

The way we speak of the gospel, the personal relationship with Jesus. Men don’t think relationally. They tend to think in terms of achievement or doing things. Like if two men want to have a relationship — if a guy wants to have a relationship with another guy — he doesn’t walk up and say “Roger, can I have a passionate, intimate relationship with you?” It just doesn’t happen. Instead men speak in terms of activity. “Hey Roger, you want to go fishing?” Then Roger will understand. Men don’t think relationally but because we express the Gospel in terms of a personal relationship with Jesus we leave men at a crossroads. They don’t know what we’re asking of them because they don’t think relationally. But women will instinctively understand what a relationship is and that’s their foremost concern. Men’s foremost concern is achievement, challenge and those are the things we are not providing on Sunday morning. Those are the things we are deemphasizing on Sunday morning and it’s to men’s peril.

Preaching: One of the things you talk about in the book is the increasing feminization of the church culture. What has contributed to that?

Murrow: I think the “why” behind it is what I was talking about earlier. Women are so needed in our churches that we have to cater to their needs — because if we don’t we don’t have people to work the nursery on Sunday Morning. If we make the Sunday school superintendent unhappy we don’t have teachers on Sunday morning, if we make the church secretary unhappy — God help us. I hear that chuckle.