- If only Ricky had read more academic journals, he'd have constructed a more persuasive defense. It seems a Dartmouth political science professor has discovered that some violent crime and antisocial behavior is caused by nothing less than environmental pollution. Turns out that countries with the highest rates of certain types of pollution also have higher crime rates than the average nation.
At least now we know what really caused the L.A. riots: smog.
In the spirit of this era of non-accountability, and as a service to readers of this fine publication, I have recently undertaken a scientific study of the causes for non-successful sermons. Please alert your deacons and church board members: poor sermons are not caused by lack of study or poor time management on the part of pastors. In fact, pastors bear no responsibility for such things. The real factors, I have discovered through my careful analysis, are the following:
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1. El Nino. I know this sounds a little strange, but it has something to do with the jet stream and sleep patterns. Trust me.
2. Church carpet. The chemicals in the church carpet are actually emitting a toxic substance which temporarily blinds people to the brilliance of what they are hearing. Pastors spend so much time in the sanctuary they become desensitized to the chemical effect, so they are able to properly recognize the brilliance of what they are saying, even if the congregation has been turned into a bunch of crazed chemical-substance abusers. (I think the effect is similar to "caffeinism" but I am awaiting a multi-million dollar grant from the MacArthur Foundation before continuing my research.)
3. Oprah. You know that show where she swore off hamburgers and allegedly sent cattle prices tumbling? (Note to Oprah's attorneys: I said "allegedly") Well, beef prices declined, preachers were suddenly able to eat more steak, the fat clogged their brain cells, and the result was a temporary drain on their faculties, resulting in a 13.7 percent decline in sermon clarity in the ensuing weeks.
But that's all over now that cattle prices are back up. So I'm putting my money on El Nino.