The
September 2004 issue of Wired magazine points out that two recently-awarded
patents were given to religious organizations.
The
Mormons have received patent no. 4,959,828 for a Cableless communication system,
a wireless device that can translate multiple translations of a meeting to the
headphones of audience members (similar to those worn by United Nations delegates).
Meanwhile,
the Scientologists have received patent no. 5,455,869 for a Lavalier microphone
assembly — a fancy way of saying it's a body mike "which cuts down on
such ambient noise as rustling clothes."
The
first thing that came to mind upon reading that was "How do I get one of
those mikes without giving money to the Scientologists?" (Sorry, Tom Cruise.)
The second thing I thought about was, "Where are all the Baptist and Presbyterian
inventors out there?"
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Apparently
we're spending all our money on projection screens and pretty worship slides,
while these other groups are beefing up their Research and Development departments.
Clearly our mainstream Christian denominations need to get up to speed on their
inventiveness lest the "patent gap" leave us adrift on a sea of second-rate
microphones and headphones.
So
I'm suggesting that the National Association of Evangelicals, National Council
of Churches and Tyndale House Publishers (they need something to spend all that
Left Behind money on) jointly create a new research division, the Creative
Research and Experimentation Excellence Department (or CREED). The mission of
CREED will be to conceptualize, develop and implement exceptional innovations
for faith-based organizations — in other words, invent neat stuff for churches.
As
an interested observer (who is perfectly willing to accept his share of future
royalty payments), I would be glad to suggest some potential projects for CREED's
talented staff of researchers, conceptualizers, and accountants. (Someone's got
to write those royalty checks, after all.)
Pew-Back
Video Monitors. If you've flown on an international flight recently, you've
probably seen those cute little TV monitors at each seat. You can pull it up to
viewing level, use the remote control, and watch your choice of movies, play a
game, or even monitor the flight status. Why should the airlines (who are going
broke anyway) have all the neat toys? Instead of those giant, unsightly projection
screens at the front of the church (covering up the organ pipes), why not install
those little TVs on the backs of your church pews? Your members can follow along
the lyrics of choruses and watch the powerpoint slides of your sermons on their
own personal monitor. And if things get a little slow, they can flip over to their
favorite Billy Graham movie or see a replay of last year's popular Christmas cantata
presentation.