The Mormons have received patent no. 4,959,828 for a Cableless communication system, a wireless device that can translate multiple translations of a meeting to the headphones of audience members (similar to those worn by United Nations delegates).

Meanwhile, the Scientologists have received patent no. 5,455,869 for a Lavalier microphone assembly — a fancy way of saying it's a body mike "which cuts down on such ambient noise as rustling clothes."

The first thing that came to mind upon reading that was "How do I get one of those mikes without giving money to the Scientologists?" (Sorry, Tom Cruise.) The second thing I thought about was, "Where are all the Baptist and Presbyterian inventors out there?"

Apparently we're spending all our money on projection screens and pretty worship slides, while these other groups are beefing up their Research and Development departments. Clearly our mainstream Christian denominations need to get up to speed on their inventiveness lest the "patent gap" leave us adrift on a sea of second-rate microphones and headphones.

So I'm suggesting that the National Association of Evangelicals, National Council of Churches and Tyndale House Publishers (they need something to spend all that Left Behind money on) jointly create a new research division, the Creative Research and Experimentation Excellence Department (or CREED). The mission of CREED will be to conceptualize, develop and implement exceptional innovations for faith-based organizations — in other words, invent neat stuff for churches.

As an interested observer (who is perfectly willing to accept his share of future royalty payments), I would be glad to suggest some potential projects for CREED's talented staff of researchers, conceptualizers, and accountants. (Someone's got to write those royalty checks, after all.)

Pew-Back Video Monitors. If you've flown on an international flight recently, you've probably seen those cute little TV monitors at each seat. You can pull it up to viewing level, use the remote control, and watch your choice of movies, play a game, or even monitor the flight status. Why should the airlines (who are going broke anyway) have all the neat toys? Instead of those giant, unsightly projection screens at the front of the church (covering up the organ pipes), why not install those little TVs on the backs of your church pews? Your members can follow along the lyrics of choruses and watch the powerpoint slides of your sermons on their own personal monitor. And if things get a little slow, they can flip over to their favorite Billy Graham movie or see a replay of last year's popular Christmas cantata presentation.