It's that time of year, when a pastor's thoughts turn to calories.
OK, it's not that we really want to think about calories. It's just that with the arrival of the holiday season — that hectic period from Thanksgiving to New Year's Day — it's the rare pastor who doesn't face the challenge of Christmas calories. If it was just the Thanksgiving dressing and pumpkin pie — and by the way, please pass another of those delicious rolls — we could work it off by mid-December. But starting the first week of December, every Sunday School class, organization, task force and power group in your church will be having a party — and they wouldn't dream of not inviting the pastor. (Well, actually the power group that's trying to get you fired might invite you anyway, but please don't drink any of the punch.) So figure at least one added pound per party.
Yet for many pastors, those extra ten pounds by January 2 won't be all they have to show for their church's holiday spirit. Of greater concern than the pounds will be those heartfelt gifts provided by thoughtful members of your church — each of whom will be carefully checking your office and/or wardrobe to be sure their gift is on proper display.
From the ugly Christian bookstore ties to the six "What is a Pastor" wall plaques for your office wall, the Christmas gifts you receive are almost guaranteed to be of little practical value. (With the exception of that fruitcake, which will make a sturdy doorstop for many years to come.)
So as a public service to pastors everywhere, we are offering a list of appropriate pastoral gifts. Feel free to pass this along to deacons/elders, print it in the church bulletin, put it on the church web site — whatever it takes.
The Top Ten Ideal Christmas Gifts for Your Pastor
10. A whole week at a favorite conference without being called home for a funeral.
9. An entire Sunday without a single complain about the temperature, music, or sermon.
8. A year's subscription to Preaching magazine.
7. A gift certificate good for a free car wash, lawn mowing, or similar time-consuming chore.
6. A large velvet painting of Elvis. (You'd be surprised what those things will bring on E-Bay.)
5. A pass allowing the pastor to skip the next Youth Lock-In, Senior Adult Square Dance, or other church social event of your choice.
4. A two-year subscription to Preaching magazine. (Beginning to see a pattern here?)
3. A standing ovation after the pastor's next sermon.
2. An entire, uninterrupted day off — out of the office — with no calls, questions, pages, complaints or email spam.
1. A free membership at Weight Watchers, to undo all the damage from the holidays!
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Michael Duduit is the Editor of Preaching magazine.