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Have you ever thought about how the Bible would have been different if it had been written by college students? • The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning . . . cold. • There would have been only five commandments, double-spaced, and printed out in a large font. • New edition every two years in order to limit reselling. • Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food. • Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to mail@churchatrome.org. • Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates. • The end of the world occurs at Finals week, not Armageddon. • Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes. • Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen. •
Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the
seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was
due and then pulled an all-nighter. (Mikey's Funnies) Michael
Duduit, Editor Due to the National Conference on Preaching next week, there will not be an issue of PreachingNow. The next issue will be dated April 26.
Annual stewardship sermon series increases giving A recent Church Central article discussed ways churches have encouraged giving increases in their church. One of those was an annual sermon series on stewardship, which John Maxwell did annually for 20 years while he was a pastor. "John Maxwell . . . says teaching an annual four-message stewardship series is the single most important thing he (did) every year to help people grow in their spiritual and financial life. . . . Only one of the four messages he gives specifically deals with giving money. Over the years, some of the month-long themes included: 'God's Challenge, Our Choice,' 'Taking the Stew Out of Stewardship,' 'The ABC's of Stewardship,' and 'It's a Matter of Trust.' "Be sure to try and use real-life illustrations in your sermons. Tell people how the Lord has creatively provided for you and/or others you know who faithfully honored the Lord in their giving. When you teach from the head it goes to the head, but when you teach from a life it goes to a life." (Click here to read the full article.) http://www.churchcentral.com/nw/s/id/22732/template/Article.html
God helps us recognize our own weakness Speaking to pastors at a Southern Baptist Seminary conference, pastor Alistair Begg explained that God often brings adverse circumstances into the lives of ministers to demonstrate their weakness. Only when a minister sees, like Jehoshaphat, that "the battle belongs to the Lord" will he be in a position to see lasting fruit born through his ministry, Begg said. "If we will not come to the point where we flat-out are prepared to acknowledge our weakness and our powerlessness, then God — because He wants to achieve His purpose, loves His church so much, and is prepared to use strange individuals like you and I — will bring into our lives that which is necessary in order to bring us to the place where we have to admit that we are flat-out powerless," Begg said. "And at that point, there is the possibility for progress. Until that point, we may be apparently influential, we may be strategically involved, we may have all kinds of things apparently going for us, and we may discover on that day [of judgment] what we thought was gold and silver and precious jewels actually was wood, hay and stubble, and the day [of judgment] brought it to light." (Click here to read the entire Baptist Press article from March 31, 2005) http://www.baptistpress.com/bpnews.asp?ID=20490
Last Call! Act now! Don't live in regret! You've been thinking about it for weeks now, but you just haven't done anything about it. Now it's time to act, or a week from now you'll be kicking yourself for missing it! That's right, it's the last opportunity to register for the National Conference on Preaching, slated for next week (April 18-20) in Nashville, Tennessee. The theme of NCP 2005 will be "Preaching With Passion," and an outstanding line-up of speakers will be participating, including William Willimon, Dave Stone, H. Beecher Hicks, James Earl Massey, Ray Ortlund, Jr., Robert Smith, Jim Shaddix, Mike Glenn, Bill Self, Carol Noren, R. Leslie Holmes, and more. The annual conference is sponsored by Preaching magazine, and it is a week that can make a remarkable difference in your ministry. You can visit the conference webpage (www.preaching.com/ncp) and see the full schedule and a list of workshop topics. Registration is $250, and additional registrants from the same church (and spouses) can register for just $100 per person. For more information or to register, call 1-800-288-9673 (outside the US call 615-599-9889), or visit us on the web at www.preaching.com/ncp. A week from now you could be soaking up great preaching and valuable insights that will make you a better preacher — or you could be sitting at your desk wishing you had taken advantage of this opportunity. Act now to avoid those bitter tears of regret!
ILLUSTRATION: God's presence, Kingdom of God In his book God is Closer Than You Think (Zondervan), John Ortberg tells this story: "There is no place where God's presence cannot break into you. I was in the Department of Motor Vehicles two weeks ago. David once asked, 'Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?' If I had to take a stab at that one, I'd guess the DMV. "I was standing in line, resenting the glacial-like pace at which everything was moving (or rather, not moving), caught up in how my little kingdom was being inconvenienced. The elderly woman in front of me was taking forever. Then the prayer came to me: 'God, make things down here like they are up there.' And the thought occurred to me, I could go over and see if I can help that woman. "It
turned out that she was all alone and extremely anxious and having
a hard time communicating with the man behind the desk, who could
not speak English very well. I spent perhaps five minutes with
her. It was a tiny kindness; someone less preoccupied than I wouldn't
have required a divine push at all. But for a few moments I got
to help the kingdom of love be present to someone who needed it.
For a few moments, the kingdom broke into the DMV." (Click
here to learn more about the book God is Closer Than You
Think)
ILLUSTRATION: Obedience British writer George McDonald once wrote, "You can begin at once to be a disciple of the Living One — by obeying Him in the first thing you can think of in which you are not obeying Him. We must learn to obey Him in everything, and so must begin somewhere. Let it be at once, and in the very next thing that lies at the door of our conscience!"
ILLUSTRATION: God's provision, Resources In his book He Has Made Me Glad (InterVarsity), Ben Patterson talks about the Amazon River, the biggest river in the world. "Its volume is greater than the Yangtze, Mississippi and Nile combined. In the early days of European exploration, ships would sometimes be caught in the doldrums for days in the Amazon's ninety-mile-wide mouth, thinking they were still far out to sea. Supplies would run low, water would be gone, and sailors would die of thirst. "When South American natives canoed out to their ships, the frantic sailors would ask where to find fresh water. The natives would laugh and point to the water beneath them. The sailors had no idea of the vast quantities of refreshment all around them. The same is true of us." (Click here to learn more about the book He Has Made Me Glad)
ILLUSTRATION: Miracles A boy was sitting on a park bench with one hand resting on an open Bible. He was loudly exclaiming his praise to God: "Hallelujah! God is great!" Along came a young man who had recently completed his first year of seminary study. Feeling himself very enlightened in the ways of truth, he asked the boy about the source of his joy. The boy replied, "Don't you have any idea what God is able to do? I just read that God opened up the waves of the Red Sea and led the whole nation of Israel right through the middle." The enlightened man laughed lightly, sat down next to the boy, and began to try to open his eyes to the "realities" behind the miracles of the Bible. "That can all be very easily explained. Modern scholarship has shown that the Red Sea in that area was only 10-inches deep at that time. It was no problem for the Israelites to wade across." The man, content that he had enlightened the boy to the finer points of theological truth, turned to go. Scarcely had he taken two steps when the boy began to rejoice and praise louder than before. The man turned to ask the reason for this resumed jubilation. The boy exclaimed, "God is greater than I thought! Not only did He lead the whole nation of Israel through the Red Sea, He topped it off by drowning the whole Egyptian army in 10 inches of water!"
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ILLUSTRATION: Information, Doctors A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?" The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel in room 302." The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday." The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news." The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?" The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. Dr.Cohen doesn't tell me anything!"
"Hold yourself responsible for a higher standard than anybody else expects of you. Never excuse yourself. Never pity yourself. Be a hard master to yourself — and be lenient to everybody else." (Henry Ward Beecher)
ILLUSTRATION: Life Some good advice about life: 1. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use the WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the duct tape. 2. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right." 3. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm. 4. The best advice that your mother ever gave you was: "Go! You might meet somebody!" 5. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her — believe them. 6. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance! 7. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you. 8. And finally, be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
Quotes from and about women Inside every older lady is a younger lady — wondering what on earth happened. (Cora Harvey Armstrong) Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies. The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. (Helen Hayes at 73) Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. (Lily Tomlin) My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. (Erma Bombeck) A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. (Rhonda Hansome) The phrase "working mother" is redundant. (Jane Sellman) Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. (Charlotte Whitton) Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. (Caryn Leschen) If you can't be a good example — then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. (Catherine) I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb — and I'm also not blonde. (Dolly Parton) Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. (Maryon Pearson) In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman. (Margaret Thatcher)
And finally . . . Thanks to the Boston Globe for what may be my all-time favorite headline: "Harvard Professor Accused of Stealing Manure." According to an April 6 story that appeared on the Globe's website, "A Harvard economics professor has been accused of neglecting the standard market practice of paying for goods and services by trying to steal a truckload of manure from a horse farmer. "Stable manager Phillip Casey says Martin Weitzman, Harvard University's Ernest E. Monrad Professor of Economics, has been stealing manure from Charlie Lane's Rockport farm for years. "Police said Casey found Weitzman on the property last Friday, so he blocked in Weitzman's pickup truck and called police. Weitzman got angry, Casey said, then offered to pay for the manure he'd already taken. But Casey said he wouldn't budge because he wanted the thefts to stop. . . . The farm sells the manure for $35 a truckload and also uses it to fertilize a pasture." The most unbelievable part of the story is that the Harvard faculty would be running short of the stuff. (Click here if you'd like to read the whole story.) http://www.boston.com/dailynews/096/region/Harvard_professor_accused_of_s:.shtml
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